When feeling lost in life, I look to my horoscope for guidance.
I think I’m in love because you have the complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle shot glasses.
One of my cheesy, yet successful, pick up lines: “So…you wanna get outta here?”
I still believe a PB & J sandwich is one of the best sandwiches in the world!
As a pet owner, I expect acknowledgement on mother’s day.
I tell my date that I’m reading Anne Boleyn biographies for fun.
Some days, I truly believe I have reached the end of the internet.
Like that bad YouTube video, I’ve been broken up with via text message.
I actively sought out John Waters’ films as a teenager and loved every depraved second of them.
I covet my collection of VHS tapes and plan to expand in the future.
I wish I could draw like Steve from Blue’s Clues.
I identify with Jonah Hill.
While drunk, I’m unable to distinguish whether someone has said “I’d hook up with you..” or something entirely different. Alas, I did not get laid.
I notice, and am perturbed, that Weather.com has changed its moon, sun, and rain graphics.
I consider eating a legitimate hobby. It’s humanity’s oldest pastime.
I think I’m having a caffeine overdose. Off to google my symptoms.
My anxiety is starting to invade my dreams. I’ve a hard enough time with social situations, how is my dream self supposed to dispose of Tom Hanks corpse!
I mostly go on OkCupid for amusement.
At a party, a girl tells me I’m hot and sexy and wants to makeout with me and I respond with “Aw, do you want a hug?”
I spend date night at my local library and later curl up to a non-judgemental book or movie.
Had an erotic dream about The Walking Dead’s T-Dog and surprisingly he had more lines than he does on the show.
I come home early from the bar to eat cold mac n cheese out of the pot and watch Buffy. Yeah, I’m totally content.
Spending an hour trying to figure out how to video chat in an attempt to celebrate reaching 25 followers with a Skype party!
Conversation with self on the commode: Some people love shit and others are indifferent, but I HATE shit!
I’m turned off by the word “delicious” when used outside of the context of food.
Yeah, I’m that dude who’s watched that YouTube video 1,007 times and still thinks it’s funny.
Like a small child, I require a lot of attention.
It’s 5am and I’m up watching Michael Jackson’s HIStory.
The opening sequence of Michael Jackson’s HIStory scared the hell outta me.
I rarely talk on the phone, but when I do most of the conversations are about the plausibility of a zombie apocalypse.
Reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series just makes me want to go shopping at IKEA.
While you were out dating, I was dreaming up my next one person music video.
Some days, I begin to believe I’d be perfectly content to just have a dog instead of a significant other.
Reasons #30, #197, #215, #405...
Those moments when I realize that I haven’t seen anything outside of the walls of my house or screen of my MacBook for days at a time.
My mother is most proud of the fact that I haven’t committed homicide.
Things I google include “Are beards professional?”
I’m on a staycation.
I have a soft spot for really dirty, misogynistic hip-hop.
I am Rob Gordon.
For the life of me, I can’t figure out how to play Angry Birds.
I know Mr. Snuffleupagus’ first name.
My ear has distinguished the slight difference between each unique Law & Order theme song.
I enjoy charting the different time the sun sets each day in order to foster a sense of hope for Spring.
Watching a three-hour documentary is my idea of a good time.
Everyone on my Facebook “block” list is someone I’ve slept with.
As a child, I was obsessed with my Samantha Fox tape featuring the single “I Wanna Have Some Fun.”
My idea of a romantic gesture is having my street plowed.
My mother speculates that I might have a UTI on a crowded bus.
When looking at a globe, I’m still amazed how all the continents fit together perfectly.
I only believe my horoscope when it tells me what I want to hear.